I've been on a kick recently of cooking dinner for myself everyday. I know, what a noble, healthful endeavor! But, for someone who has ruined a saucepan by cooking rice in it for six hours and twice burnt rubber spatulas on the stove, this has been more of an epic, perilous quest. (Although, I should mention that the most ridiculous "cooking" mistake I've witnessed is a drunk friend microwaving an egg for 6 hours... but that's a story best left for another time).
Stumbling and bumbling my way through epicurious, allrecipes, and foodnetwork.com every day, I search for recipes that I eventually just become frustrated by -- why does it appear so complicated to put food from fridge into belly? As an example, I got it in my head to make jambalaya. Most of the recipes called for using a dutch oven. Not knowing what a dutch oven was (besides the cruel act of trapping someone under the bedsheets after you've farted inside, which didn't seem relevant to cooking), I decided it wasn't important and just used a regular pot. Then this happened:
I'm not sure what exactly this turned out to be, but it certainly wasn't jambalaya. How do I know? Because this is what jambalaya is supposed to look like:
I'd also rather not discuss in much detail my very brief foray into baking (it was a bit scarring... literally). Suffice to say, that beating eggs until they form "soft peaks" and waiting until one sees "wisps of white" did not compute to me as necessary steps involved in preparing food. I re-checked the recipe several times to ensure that I did not mistakenly stumble onto a travel site describing the scenery of the Swiss Alps.
The point of these little stories is to tell you that, if you are like me, and feel that many recipes may as well be written in Klingon, there is still hope. What is the secret, then, you ask?
DON'T FOLLOW RECIPES!
Example #1: Burgers and French Fries
I wanted to have a burger off, so I went to the store and picked up some ground meat and a bunch of fixins. The fixins were simply items that appealed to me in the store: red onions, muenster, and of course bacon. I rolled up the meat in some spices, coated it with some egg and bread crumbs because that seemed like it might hold the meat together, threw it on the pan and pushed/flipped it around until it was done (meat thermometers are kind of key here, I must admit). Voila! Out came a delicious burger and some fries that I made as a side.
It certainly doesn't look particularly impressive (sorry, I don't know how to use instagram), but the result was finger-licking good, I assure you. The take-away lesson here is don't over think it. How do you make french fries? You cut potatoes into shapes you prefer and fry them. Twice, for good measure.
Example #2: Roasted Pork Loin
Confession: my method of choosing dishes to prepare is almost wholly influenced by their names. Especially in the aftermath of Jambalaya-gate, I resolved to stick with, for a while, meals whose titles second as recipes. This is a general approach that I encourage all of my maladroit comrades to adopt. For any readers still uncertain about how to cook a roasted pork loin, here are the steps. Buy pork tenderloin. Mix spices together that you think will taste good. This is the key; one need not be restricted by spicing suggestions. If you enjoy the aroma of celery salt and habanero, go for it! Your goal is to cook food that you like, right? Many recipes suggest rosemary for a roasted pork loin. But, if the very thought of the herb impels you to dry heave, you have my permission to steer clear. I used garlic, thyme, and parsley (mainly because I happened to have them around, and I love garlic). Once you've found a spice mixture that works for you, rub it all over the pork loin, cutting slices into the meat so you can spice the innards if you see fit. Pop that baby in the oven and wait until it's done (again... I stress the importance of the meat thermometer here).
Again, a delicious meal!
Certainly, these methods I've outlined are somewhat restrictive. A more formal understanding (and even following recipes) would be necessary to truly explore the culinary cosmos. But, do not let inexperience or an (I argue, genetic) inability to follow explicit directions prevent you from preparing healthy, hearty, and delectable home-cooked meals.
I know, it may seem like a terrible proposal to say that clumsy people who don't know how to cook shouldn't follow recipes. But my advice: follow your heart... as long as your heart leads you to food!
P.S. I've been meaning to say something about this for sometime, but the same rules apply for making alcoholic drinks. If you combine any sweet mixer with alcohol, the result will be a tasty mixed drink. I feel that anyone who disagrees is simply lying to themselves. Case in point: tequila and coke. (try it, you won't regret it).
Stumbling and bumbling my way through epicurious, allrecipes, and foodnetwork.com every day, I search for recipes that I eventually just become frustrated by -- why does it appear so complicated to put food from fridge into belly? As an example, I got it in my head to make jambalaya. Most of the recipes called for using a dutch oven. Not knowing what a dutch oven was (besides the cruel act of trapping someone under the bedsheets after you've farted inside, which didn't seem relevant to cooking), I decided it wasn't important and just used a regular pot. Then this happened:
I'd also rather not discuss in much detail my very brief foray into baking (it was a bit scarring... literally). Suffice to say, that beating eggs until they form "soft peaks" and waiting until one sees "wisps of white" did not compute to me as necessary steps involved in preparing food. I re-checked the recipe several times to ensure that I did not mistakenly stumble onto a travel site describing the scenery of the Swiss Alps.
The point of these little stories is to tell you that, if you are like me, and feel that many recipes may as well be written in Klingon, there is still hope. What is the secret, then, you ask?
DON'T FOLLOW RECIPES!
Example #1: Burgers and French Fries
I wanted to have a burger off, so I went to the store and picked up some ground meat and a bunch of fixins. The fixins were simply items that appealed to me in the store: red onions, muenster, and of course bacon. I rolled up the meat in some spices, coated it with some egg and bread crumbs because that seemed like it might hold the meat together, threw it on the pan and pushed/flipped it around until it was done (meat thermometers are kind of key here, I must admit). Voila! Out came a delicious burger and some fries that I made as a side.
It certainly doesn't look particularly impressive (sorry, I don't know how to use instagram), but the result was finger-licking good, I assure you. The take-away lesson here is don't over think it. How do you make french fries? You cut potatoes into shapes you prefer and fry them. Twice, for good measure.
Example #2: Roasted Pork Loin
Confession: my method of choosing dishes to prepare is almost wholly influenced by their names. Especially in the aftermath of Jambalaya-gate, I resolved to stick with, for a while, meals whose titles second as recipes. This is a general approach that I encourage all of my maladroit comrades to adopt. For any readers still uncertain about how to cook a roasted pork loin, here are the steps. Buy pork tenderloin. Mix spices together that you think will taste good. This is the key; one need not be restricted by spicing suggestions. If you enjoy the aroma of celery salt and habanero, go for it! Your goal is to cook food that you like, right? Many recipes suggest rosemary for a roasted pork loin. But, if the very thought of the herb impels you to dry heave, you have my permission to steer clear. I used garlic, thyme, and parsley (mainly because I happened to have them around, and I love garlic). Once you've found a spice mixture that works for you, rub it all over the pork loin, cutting slices into the meat so you can spice the innards if you see fit. Pop that baby in the oven and wait until it's done (again... I stress the importance of the meat thermometer here).
Certainly, these methods I've outlined are somewhat restrictive. A more formal understanding (and even following recipes) would be necessary to truly explore the culinary cosmos. But, do not let inexperience or an (I argue, genetic) inability to follow explicit directions prevent you from preparing healthy, hearty, and delectable home-cooked meals.
I know, it may seem like a terrible proposal to say that clumsy people who don't know how to cook shouldn't follow recipes. But my advice: follow your heart... as long as your heart leads you to food!
P.S. I've been meaning to say something about this for sometime, but the same rules apply for making alcoholic drinks. If you combine any sweet mixer with alcohol, the result will be a tasty mixed drink. I feel that anyone who disagrees is simply lying to themselves. Case in point: tequila and coke. (try it, you won't regret it).
